When Women are Conflicted over Motherhood
Motherhood is a tricky topic in our day and age. Women are often encouraged to find themselves, travel, and get a career before settling down to have a family. When they do finally have children, women feel pressured to not “lose themselves” to motherhood, but find fulfillment separate from their motherly duties. It’s understandable why many women feel conflicted over becoming moms, with so many difficult expectations to live up to.
These pressures affect Christian women as well, and it’s time to stop ignoring them.
Growing up in the Church, motherhood is a topic often spoken of with young women, and rightly so. Jesus loves families and children profoundly, and values motherhood as a critical role women have in His kingdom.
However, just because most Christian women were raised to value becoming a mom, does not mean they will easily accept that calling for themselves. It is not a “logical next step” for every woman. For some women it is the cultural pressures that deter them from wanting to become moms. For others it is the internal insecurities of feeling neither equipped nor prepared enough. Some women simply do not believe motherhood is for them.
I believe God can challenge our thinking and change our value system. He can address our insecurities and call us out of feelings of incompetency. When it comes to motherhood, women need transformation through the Word, but they also need a community that understands why they feel apprehensive about becoming mothers.
We need to recognize that motherhood is precious but not easy for every woman to accept for herself. She needs the support from those in her community to feel equipped to pursue motherhood. How we approach the conversation of motherhood matters to women, and matters to God.
What Children Mean to God vs. What Children Mean to Some Women
The bible tells us that “Children are a blessing and a gift from the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Jesus makes it clear that He loves children and that children and families are important to Him. He also makes it clear that children are not just for us to have for the sake of having them. They are not a “logical next step”, nor a way to fulfill a void in our lives. Children are born to families to build God’s Kingdom, and to give us as parents a part to play in that calling. As women in the church we hear:
Children are a blessing
Children are a blessing
Children are a blessing.
Always, all the time. Over and over Jesus shows us how he interacted with children, how he calls us to even be like little children when entering the kingdom of God. These truths are founded in the word, and close to God’s heart.
However. even with the knowledge of just how precious children are to God, many women struggle to find that appreciation in their own life. Motherhood requires a love and sacrifice unlike any other. There is hardly another job in which a woman’s body, mind, and spirit become as stretched, broken, tried, and challenged as it does in motherhood. The thought of labor alone is enough to deter a woman from wanting to have children, much less the pressure on her finances, the changes in her body, or the juggling of her career or education.
Children are a blessing, but the impact on a woman’s life can feel anything but. She will feel at her weakest. She will feel overwhelm. She will feel doubt and fear at times.
God Challenges not Condemns
As Christians, we understand that God meets us in these struggles and difficulties. He shows us that HIS strength works best in our weakness (2 Cor. 12:9-10). He shows us that even when we feel overwhelmed, and underprepared, He holds us every step of the way.
Even so, women who grew up with these truths proclaimed to her might still recoil at the thought of becoming a mom.
What if a woman is worried that having children will affect her education or career?
What if a woman is concerned that having children will change her relationships?
What if a woman is concerned about how children will affect her life her goals, her dreams?
What if she doesn’t think she will be a good mom?
What if her traumatic familial past prevents her from embracing motherhood?
God sees the heart. If these worries are rooted in sinful desires, God can transform a woman’s perspective. But we cannot call a woman selfish for having concerns about motherhood. We cannot assume she devalues children because of her worries. If women have genuine concerns, they need to be pointed to the bible, but in addition to that they need to be listened to.
My Own Battle with Motherhood
When I was young, there were days I dreamed of motherhood, and there were days I dreamed of everything but. I didn’t like to play with baby dolls. I didn’t like babysitting, or really being around small children at all. I felt estranged around children. All together I wondered if motherhood was even something I was capable of.
I didn’t feel motherly
I didn’t feel maternal
I wanted to complete college and have a career
I was worried about how having children would affect my life
Some of these thoughts are my own desires and wants. Some of these are genuine concerns and fears.
Motherhood is no easy task, and while we need to understand the sacred, beautiful thing it is, we must also recognize the difficulty it can bring into someones life. My concerns were genuine. Did I need to submit them to the Lord and let Him decide what was a priority? Absolutely.
But guess what God did? He didn’t dismiss these concerns. He didn’t call me selfish. He didn’t downplay my feelings of apprehension, doubt, and fear concerning becoming a mom. He told me that each of my concerns were heard by Him and He was going to address them all. He was going to show me I did not need to worry if I trusted Him.
Not every woman who is concerned about motherhood hates kids, or selfishly doesn’t want her future plans to be interrupted. Some just need to process how motherhood will affect them, and know that they will have support should they choose to become moms.
Jesus Cares For the Mother's Heart
Jesus can change our perspective., He can comfort, hold, and challenge our hearts. If you are a woman unsure about motherhood, know that God sees the struggles you are facing. If He calls you to motherhood, you can trust He will guide you, lead you, and equip you through that journey. There is a reason we are pregnant for nine months before giving birth. God gives us time to adjust, process, learn, and grow. He gives us time to realize we can do it, by His strength.
Jesus never meant for us to walk through motherhood alone. Which is why if you are struggling with the idea of motherhood, lean into women around you and ask how they did it. You may find motherhood isn’t in your future, but make sure you are not standing in the way of God’s plans for you. He wants to help you through the process.
Motherhood is for Those Called by God
Not every women wants to or is going to be a mom. That is not the point. The point is that women who do still might feel conflicted. They might struggle with seeing children the way God sees children. They may feel ill-equipped, ill-prepared, or all together incapable of raising children. These women need encouragement, not judgement. It is easy to assume that women who do not want to become moms are doing so for selfish reasons. Perhaps some of them are. But Jesus came to restore, to bring peace, and to walk along with them on this journey. If motherhood is what they are called to, He will help them understand that. Not by ignoring their fears but by helping them realize there is no fear in His perfect love.
Women Need the Support of the Church
Friends, I am encouraging us to not to reduce the value of motherhood, but to approach the conversation differently. Our culture puts pressure on women to be many things, and women need help discerning which are from God and which are from culture. If a woman is struggling with accepting motherhood, she needs wisdom from the Word, help from her friends and family, and support from her church and community. I am encouraging us to not assume every woman is excited about being a mom. I am encouraging us to listen before assuming we know why a woman is apprehensive about motherhood. And most of all, I am encouraging us to continually bring support and the Word of God to women who are struggling with the calling of motherhood, because that is what Jesus would do.
Excellent post. I love that you addressed this topic which most don’t talk about. Motherhood is an expected next step in the church. But it’s not always a desire for everyone. You’re so right, women can take their fears and doubts about motherhood to God and He will not reject or judge them, like people unfortunately do.
Great reminder that when we truly love on others like Christ wants us to, we have to show compassion to everyone.
Such a wonderfully written post, and addresses something not a lot of people talk about! Thank you for putting this out there, because it’s something that absolutely should be considered. No, it’s not expected. It’s desired. And if it’s not desired, that’s okay! Keep getting this out there; it’s a conversation to be had.
Thank you for your comment! I agree, it’s something we need to talk about more!
As a Christian woman I feel a bit pressured to become a mom. I love children I think they are a blessing from God but I don’t feel called to have them. I was called to the Deaf ministry and just want to use that time to really serve God. Not a lot of people are called to do that. I wonder if that is okay enough. Moms are wonderful and I support them it more so my call that must be fulfilled. That’s my all consuming passion. Not children.
Totally! It can certainly feel sometimes like being a mother is the only way women were meant to follow God’s calling for their life. I think the Bible makes it clear that God can have all sorts of plans for us, some that includes having a family and some that don’t. Praying that you pursue God’s calling for your life with your whole heart.
To speak from the other side, I take serious issues with this article. I am a straight conservative lady, and I have known since elementary school that I did not want to have children and that nobody was going to change my mind. Do some women choose not to have kids for selfish reasons? Yes. So do some women who do have children do so for selfish reasons – to feel needed, wanted, to have standing in their community. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Children are not status symbols and a woman who has children is not automatically more selfless. I would argue it’s more selfish to have children when one knows she is not fit for the job.
Thank you for reading! I agree, women shouldn’t have children simply because they feel pressured to do so.
I believe people can think that becoming a mother is a binary issue— either you want to be one, or you don’t want to be. Often times, it’s more complex than that. This article was trying to emphasize the role of church and community with equipping women with a Godly perspective of motherhood, but not pressuring them to have children, or ignoring the concerns they may have about motherhood.